I know who I am. I know my past. I know my heart. I know my thoughts. I know the dark corners. I know the skeletons. I know what I am capable of. I know the heartache I’ve caused. I know who I’ve pushed away. I know who I’ve cast aside. I know I let other people down. I know how I’ve neglected you. I know how self-focused I am. I know I insist upon my own way. I know I let you down.
And still, continue here
The temperature is -3 on its way to -18 and I have to apologize to everyone because the cold is my fault.
You see, I’ve been putting off organizing the cabinet under my bathroom sink for months. It’s easy to pretend the mess isn’t there when it’s hidden. And, it’s so easy to hide: just close the door and it’s gone! Outa sight. Outa mind. Life is good.
Until the temps hover below zero for days on end, and the cabinet doors have to stay open so the pipes on the exterior walls don’t freeze.
UGH! There it is, staring at me, daring me to dig deep. What will I uncover? Garish lipsticks, old eye shadow, and duplicate purchases because I forgot what was in there. Bottles of nail polish used just once. Waste and disorder.
It shouldn’t surprise me that God is going to this length to get me to clean, purge and organize the impulse purchases and hidden mistakes in my cabinet. He goes to even greater lengths to get me to look deep into my heart and purge the mistakes (sins) that are hidden there.
He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart. – 1 Corinthians 4:5 NIV
God does this. He reveals hidden sin so that I might confess, purge, repent and be cleansed. God causes me to look at the hidden sin in my heart because sin is a barrier that separates me from intimacy with God and God wants a relationship that is free of barriers.
God knows the deepest darkest caverns of your heart and mine. He knows the impulse purchases we try to forget. He knows the garish mistakes. He knows the reality of what is hidden there.
For the Lord searches every heart and understands every desire and every thought – 1 Chronicles 28:9 NIV
We may try to hide our sins, but nothing is hidden from God. God won’t let us hide. He loves us and wants us cleansed.
O God, you know how foolish I am; my sins cannot be hidden from you. – Psalm 69:5
We may try to close the door and pretend the mess isn’t there, but God won’t let the door stay closed. He allows circumstances or events in our lives that force us to open the door and confront the reality of sin.
When we acknowledge the mess, confess, and repent, God’s cleansing light of forgiveness floods every deep corner of our hearts.
But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. – 1 John 1:9 NLT
God cornered me. He does frequently, and when He does, I cleanse, purge and organize. My heart is good and my cabinet is too. You can expect the temps to start rising any moment!
If you’re a mom, you’ve probably given yourself one or more, “Mom Awards”. You know the ones I mean: “Worst Mom of the Hour/Day/Week/Month/Year or Decade”; and the most despised: “Worst Mom of the Century”.
I have a closet full! There are days when I received all of them in one afternoon.
I’ll never forget one of the “Worst Mom” awards I received… I gave it to myself the winter before this family photo was taken.
In my defense… it was winter, and it’s not easy being a mom of preschoolers cooped up in the house for days. Danny had developed a habit of masterfully pushing Bobby down every time he saw Bobby standing still. I warned Danny: If you do that again, I’m going to push you!
Danny pushed. Bobby fell and started crying. I gave Danny the “you’re in for it now” look!
Immediately, Danny started to quickly back away, in stocking feet on a vinyl floor. I reached toward him, he lost his balance, slipped, fell and hit his head on the cabinet. He started crying. Bobby was still crying. And I sat down beside them, crying.
That night, sitting between Dan’s bed and Bob’s crib, still crying, I wrote them both a letter of apology in case they ever recalled this horrible day in therapy as adults. I still have the letters. Just in case.
There, it’s out there. I’m the worst mom ever. And, I have more stories I could tell…..
Guilt? Yes! Feeling like a failure? Yes! Like King David, I cried out to the Lord:
“My guilt overwhelms me – it is a burden too heavy to bear. My wounds fester and stink because of my foolish sins. I am bent over and racked with pain. All day long I walk around filled with grief.” – Psalm 38:4-6 NLT
There is no way to remove the guilt. We may try to cover over it with kind acts – I probably made cookies for them later on, or let them watch their favorite TV show. I may have tried to ease my conscience by telling myself I was doing my best to be a good mom. I had to keep my word. I had to teach Danny right behavior. It was just a little bump. Barely nothing. And surely nothing in the grand scheme of things. And, while all of that was true, my heart ached because I had hurt my child by my own hand.
There was only one way to remove the guilt: Come to Jesus and confess the sin.
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. – 1 John 1:9NIV
“For our guilty consciences have been sprinkled with Christ’s blood to make us clean…” – Hebrews 10:22 NLT
As a mom I’ve gotten really good, I think, at asking for forgiveness, both from the Lord and from the boys. Sometimes now, the boys will laugh at me when I bring up long ago events and ask for their forgiveness. It is worth the laughter because I love to dance in the freedom that comes with forgiveness.
There are 37 cabinet doors, and 24 drawers in my kitchen. You need to know this.
You see, a while back as I was taking my vitamins Brian walked into the kitchen, closed the cabinet door where we keep the vitamins and said, “You always leave the cabinet doors open.” Then he walked out.
What?!?! Are you kidding me?! I never leave the cabinet doors open! And I was going to close this one as soon as I swallowed that vitamin!! How could he say that?
Well, on that Sunday morning things changed! I opened every door and drawer as far as possible, then I walked out of the house, got in the car with Brian and left to go to church. Angry.
On the way to church, I realized it was the first Sunday of the month. We would be celebrating communion. And I was angry. Almost immediately, the Lord brought to mind 1 Corinthians 11:27-28 “So then, whoever eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty of sinning against the body and blood of the Lord. Everyone ought to examine themselves before they eat of the bread and drink from the cup.”
Drat. My heart was not clean. It was full of anger. I prayed, silently, “Lord, I’m sorry I got angry.”
There, now my heart was right. I confessed my anger. I was ‘good to go’. I could participate in the Lord’s Supper with a clean heart. Wrong. In my heart I knew I needed to apologize to Brian.
Instead, I argued with God, “Lord, he said something that made me mad. I shouldn’t have to apologize to him for getting angry. Besides, he doesn’t even know I’m angry!”
The Lord didn’t buy my defense. Maybe my initial ‘prayer of confession’ wasn’t quite genuine. Or maybe if I didn’t ‘come clean’ with Brian, I would secretly nurse the anger, and let a root of bitterness get started.
So, I apologized to Brian, who had no idea what I was talking about, and he said everything was OK.
Whew! Now, all was good, I could take communion with a clean conscience.
We walked into church, we sang, I was worshiping my Precious God, and then he brought to mind Matthew 5:23-24 “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.”
What??? Did I have to tell Brian about the doors and drawers? Nope. No way. Not gonna happen. Besides, I thought, he was wrong! I don’t leave the doors open. I always close them. And, it’s not a sin to leave them open, even if I did… which I did that morning.
The pastor prayed and passed the elements. My heart was not clean. I had deliberately opened those drawers and doors just so that Brian would be angry when he got home and saw them.
I jotted on the bulletin, “I opened every cabinet door and drawer in the kitchen and left them open. I’m sorry,” and handed it to Brian. Did he just stifle a laugh????
When the bread and cup were handed to me I received both, and thanked my precious Savior for shedding his blood on the cross so that my sins were forgiven. All of them. Anger. Self-righteousness. Disrespecting Brian. Disrespecting the Lord. Bitterness. You name it.
As soon as we got home, I closed every drawer and door in the kitchen before Brian saw them… because, after all, I never leave them open!
Marcia Furrow 
